A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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