There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
