Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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