Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
