Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
