Already got asked if we're dating
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
