Pants 0. Shit 1.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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