What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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