So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
