just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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