my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
