I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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