you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
