I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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