...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
