I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im holly from the hills drunk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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