i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize