Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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