i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
