What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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