I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
