my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
