I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
