I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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