i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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