sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
