Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
