when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
