nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
vagina is talking i cant
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
