I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
