I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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