I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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