I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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