i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
