The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
