i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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