okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
