I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
