i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
