This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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