I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
