I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
