where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
