Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
