I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
