its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Two words: blizzard sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
