please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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