Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
