If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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