I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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