my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
