so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
