Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
