I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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