FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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