There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
