all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
