Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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