tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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