the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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