Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize